“I don’t want a relationship with you.” I told you that when you resurrected yet again in 2020. Your annual now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t pattern since I met you in 2017 is cute/funny in a twisted way that only I would understand.
I’ve thought about you over that period of time. I never denied that I’ve wondered about the possibility of a serious relationship with you on the basis of great sex but that’s it. I appreciated you telling me straight that you have your limitations too. Whatever the outcome didn’t matter to me to be honest. I just “used” the idea of you as a placeholder in my fantasies. I objectified you and that carried me through my abstinence. For that, I am thankful and I am sure you “used” me too.
You feel bad for the desire you have for me and guilty about not being able to offer more than physical intimacy. For whatever reason the limit, I’m not interested in finding out. You repeatedly say I am a “good person” and that you are “bad news”. You try so hard to fight your nature and what you feel, whatever they may be, and you constantly seek reassurance that I won’t expect more than what you can give. “What are you scared of?”, I asked you. You simply answered, “I don’t know if I’m ready for anything…”.
You insist that acting on our impulses is bad for us both and yet you still come to me asking for that. Fred-baby, experiences are beyond “good” or “bad”. It just is.
We’re engaged in a dance. A tango of desire and denial. What you resist, persists.
Our last encounter was the last time I ever had sex and that choice was a challenge I set for myself. It is just fitting to break my self-imposed 38-month abstinence with you and I made that decision, not for you, but for me.
Shaking and nervous, seeing each other again was surreal, wasn’t it? But the energy was cold. You felt familiar but I didn’t feel connected to you. I didn’t like the vapid small talk. The vibe was blocked.
Truth is, I want a relationship with someone who I would truly know, even if it takes a lifetime to do it. Perhaps If I had the chance to get to know you, your depth and darkness, then I would want to be in a relationship with you. But the reality is, I don’t know you at all, so no. I don’t dive into shallow water only to hurt myself. With you, I’ll just float on the surface. Whatever happens, happens. Live in the moment.
Yes, come to think of it, I do want a relationship. I want it with someone who wants it too. Who knows? Maybe someday that someone is you.
